Selfish Desire
by maru-nyan
Summary: And there it was again, that thought, stronger and more painful to acknowledge. This was not something that he could ask for. "Hiyori-deprivation" brings along pain and realization. (Spoilers for Chapter 49 and up. Drabble-ish)
1. Suss

**Author's Note: I don't own Noragami. Spoilers for Chapter 49+. Very Yato-introspective. Drabble-ish.**

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SELFISH DESIRE

 **I. Suss**

Like always, his Father was a force to be reckoned with, and the peace that pushed away Yato's worries was shattered when he was forced to remember who and what he was.

He had been reminded of his tainted hands, and that the darkness that followed him would fall onto those around him.

 _Her teeth bit into his skin and he tried not to grimace._

Cut ties and maybe her problem would have been solved. His debt would be settled.

So he thought, but his hands had begun to sweat as he held sekki, and he knew he wouldn't be able to do it. It was too late then...he owed her too much- but that was just an excuse.

 _Their ties were lingered with other hopes and wishes that fortified them._

 _For the first time, he thought, 'I want to know you,' and it was alarming._

He had resigned it- tried- but destruction was his being, his name, and it lingered and consumed all light.

 _She had almost become lost...and this was a warning to him: 'Don't forget'._

 _They could unravel so easily what took him centuries to achieve._

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 _II. Scourge_ coming soon.

Constructive feedback is appreciated! :)


	2. Scourge

SELFISH DESIRE

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 **Author's Note: I don't own Noragami. Spoilers for Chapter 49+. Very Yato-introspective. Drabble-ish. This drabble deals with chapters 50-51, basically, Yato's thoughts on what happens here. Later drabbles will have more original material filling the gaps of what happens during the time following.**

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 **II. Scourge**

Yato could hear her voice clear as day, and yet he couldn't muster the will to get up.

Lie...he didn't want to get up. It seemed like a storm of emotions were waging inside of him, and he felt sick and frustrated all at once.

He could hear her laugh, but he still hoped that the tatami mat would somehow just consume him. It was a treacherous feeling- relief to hear her laugh and imagine her smile...her laugh showed her strength, but it also reminded him of his weakness.

All he could do was hope that things would turn out well, and from what he had seen as he perched on the tree outside her class, she had the support of her friends...it didn't quell the ache he felt though.

 _He had failed her_.

Despite being a 'god', or his self-given title of 'god of happiness', he was useless and it was frustrating. He didn't possess any power or magic that could mend broken hearts or fix all of the problems like the ones that the Iki Hospital- problems that were essentially his fault- was going through.

Yato was a god of action- Hiyori would call him impulsive- and sitting around not being able to do anything made him want to go stir crazy.

He groaned as he dug his face into the tatami mat and then turned onto his back only to shoot up quickly when snippets of the conversation in the living room reached his ears.

Hiyori's birthday! How could he have forgotten?!

He went to quickly dig in his drawer and feverishly began to write on a piece of paper. He looked at the finished product and nodded appreciatively, after which he stuck it in an envelope and grabbed his shoes to try to catch up to her outside.

Stopping short of the the front porch, he hesitated and watched her back before quickening his pace and calling out her name. He had been closer than expected once he caught up, and found some heat rise to his face when all he could see were her eyes staring back at him.

"This is for-" he managed to say, before his words began to stick in his throat.

Her eyes were so bright, and he lamented that his reflection in their depths seemed so pained. He let out a ragged breath and clenched the birthday card in his hand.

With a small smile, she gave her thanks, but eventually her words dulled as he began to unknowingly analyze her every feature. He mentally berated himself and then gave her his full attention, but clenched his fists trying to chase away her blight covered image.

She left after a quick apology for the bite and only after she left, her words catching up to him, that he remembered that too, and placed a hand in between his neck and shoulder.

He remained in that spot, still looking in the direction she left and tried to think of something, any course of action, but all his thoughts jumbled and then seemed to cancelled one another, finally granting him some quiet.

"A birthday party, huh?"

Turning, he gazed at Daikoku and then quickly removed his hand from his shoulder and unclenched his other, revealing the crumpled card. In a voice a bit softer than usual, Daikoku said, "I know this is your style, Yato- big and flashy- but that's not the job of a god of happiness."

And Yato understood then, that this was not the solution he was looking for. He took a look at Daikoku and chuckled, unsure of the feelings within that laugh, but it was all he could do then to try to break the unease he felt. He must look pitiful, because was Daikoku trying to comfort him?

Exhaling a breath, he gave Daikoku a pat on the shoulder, and walked off to his room.

Yukine wasn't there, and for that he was grateful.

He laid on the floor and tossed the birthday card only a short distance away, and then just stared at it, hoping he'd find his answer.

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 _(III: Sake)_ coming soon.

Thanks for reading!


	3. Sake

SELFISH DESIRE

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 **Author's Note: I don't own Noragami. Spoilers for Chapter 49+. Very Yato-introspective. Drabble-ish.**

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 **III. Sake**

Quick solutions and methods, thoughts and ways of making her smile, seemed out of the question. Those were only temporary fixes.

Along with those musings came another thought that seemed to go in and out of his head, but he didn't want to linger on it too much. The fact that he couldn't completely break from it was also troubling.

Hiyori would be mad, she'd be so angry if she knew.

He tried to stifle down a chuckle that seemed full of bitterness. This one thought was all that he had left and it lingered, constantly reminding him that he had been warned from the start, but he had been hopeful…she made him so.

With her unwavering gaze and honest expressions, he had left himself exposed and willing to come undone in the security that he felt near her.

Laughter, smiles, and a place that was always welcoming, pushed away everything else and now he just wanted that. He just wanted that home, and for it to remain that way.

He wanted her to be happy. He wanted her to be safe. She deserved that. And so, that thought circled.

In and out, it went through his head: _'Cut ties.'_

Yato shut his eyes as he recalled her hoarse voice begging for an end, balling up his hands to cover his eyes.

" _Cut her tail or cut her cord," had said the ayakashi._

He couldn't grant that wish of hers…he never would or could.

" _I'll help you Yato, but afterwards you must cut your ties," had said Tenjin._

The thought strung and dredged out fear from inside him. He didn't want to lose her. He didn't want to lose whatever she meant to him- that was still something that he still didn't understand- because Hiyori was his start.

Hiyori was constant. It seemed that whatever she learned, she didn't waver. She was strong, and Yato only ever ran.

She knew his name, and every now and then Yato tried to remember what it sounded like in her voice. The name that he tried to forget and give up, coming from her lips...it felt like something was being returned to him.

Ribbon upon ribbon, string upon string, it was like small cobwebs, the ties that connected them. They were numerous, invisible, and hard to completely shake.

"Yato?"

He quickly removed his hands from his eyes and feigned a yawn. Then he turned his body to look at Yukine. "What's up?"

There was a slight frown on Yukine's face which was followed by a wrinkle of the nose. nose slightly crinkled. Yato followed it with a smile.

"...You talk to Hiyori?"

Yato's smile slightly sunk and he threw it away altogether, only managing a hum.

Yukine's brow twitched and he asked, "So what now? Are you going to stop being a hermit? Hiy-"

"You're right! Let's go ayakashi hunting tomorrow."

"Wha-what?"

Yato stood, and ruffled his hair, "I've got such a cute, diligent blessed regalia, don't I?"

The young shinki roughly removed Yato's hand, but Yato could see the red that rimmed his ears.

He couldn't do it…fulfill that thought.

"It's not an option," he muttered.

"W-what?"

"Yep, we're a bit out of shape, so we have to get back to it."

"We?"

"S-shut up. Tomorrow promptly in the morning!"

"Like you'll wake-"

"Shh, I have to go shower."

Starting tomorrow, he'd get stronger, and that was a start.

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 _(IV: Steady)_ coming soon.

Thanks for reading!


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